Sanity come quick

Okay so last night I went to the bar and I was hanging out with some guys that I went the weekend before.
The one kept flirting with me or whatever. Everything was fine and dandy.
Well I had the hots for one of his other friends. 
So I added him to facebook. I swear it is a product of the devil
Whatever.
We were talking on there and I added him to msn.
Well we started talking and what not. And we decided to hang out.
We met up somewhere and ended up having sex.
In his car.
Wow. 

Another fuck up by me.
He's freakin gorgeous though. 

Seriously, I don't think I could mess things up anymore.
Saturday I went out to the bar and got a little drunk. 
My boyfriend was being an ass to me.
I saw a guy I work with and he was telling me I'm beautiful, I have pretty eyes, I deserve someone better, etc.
He asked me to come to his house after so that we could talk.
We talked for a while.
Had sex.
Why don't I think this shit through?
Fuck sakes. 

 I am not loved.

 So since my last entry one of my professers from college passed away. He was an amazing man. 
The first day of college he was the first prof we had and he walked in and asked if he was the first teacher we had and he goes "well shit now you are going to think all of your teachers are burnt out hippies from the 60s" hahah
He followed that by making us stand up and sing the pepto bismol song with the actions. 

He was so unique and different. Going to the visitation and funeral brought all kinds of people. 
I got to meet his wife, his two beautiful daughters and his granddaughter. 
His granddaughter turned one on the day of the visitation so she couldn't even have a birthday party.
Poor girl won't even have the chance to know how great her grandpa was.

I also have started talking to an old friend again. I want him. I have wanted him since back in the day.
Today he isn't responding to my texts or phone calls. 
Not sure why.
Kind of bugging me actually.

Well tonight we got into another fight. This time it got even more closer to ending.
I actually don't think that I do want it to end.

When he wasn't in the room I couldn't take the pain anymore.
I just didn't know what to do.
The emotional pain was too great.  

I cut myself.

I am not happy about this. It happened. 
Now I have to handle this situation. 

FUCK.

Why me? I hate being me. I would give almost anything to be anyone else.
I hate myself. I sometimes wish that I were dead. Sometimes I wish I just weren't around.
Then I wouldn't have to deal with all this shit anymore. 

I just want to be gone.

I am so sick of feeling like this. I think things with my boyfriend with be ending rather soon.
He is acting like a total jerk to me. Being very distant. Cold. Rude.
I was in a good mood today and he brought me down. 

I just want someone to spend time with that will love me and care about me.
How the hell is that so hard to find?
Am I that horrible of a person?

I am so fed up with everything in my life. 
I want to feel good.
I want to feel loved.

I don't want to feel hurt.
I don't want to feel lied to.
I don't want to cry. 

I just want to be happy.  

 So last week I ended up getting a hamster. I named her Summer because she looks like she has an S down the middle of her back.
She is cute.

Things aren't getting much easier for me.
I love my boyfriend. But things are always so rocky.
I'm not going to ruin this to test another relationship.
If this one ends then I will give it a go. But not until then.

I should be at school right now. 
But I'm not.

 Well last night I was talking to one of the guys that I have discovered I have feelings for. He is friends with my boyfriend.
It's a little awkward. 

I found out that he could be with me. He could see us being together. 
He wants some of the things that I want in life.
He isn't working a job just over minimum wage.
He's planning on doing something.

He actually can have a conversation with me. He listens to me.

Bah. 

I'm getting a hamster today.

I feel like that is what I have been living for the past while. I'm not myself. I don't know who I am. I have become this strange person. 
It's odd when you become a stranger to yourself.

See I have a boyfriend. I do love him. I never know where this is going to go. I always feel like he is going to break up with me. I feel like I'm not good enough. 
I have cheated on him. More than once. With more than one person. I do feel really awful. I am not going to do it again. 
I haven't told him and don't plan on it.

I have also been using drugs. Cocaine to be exact. I am ashamed of this. I did it a lot for a while. No one knows.
I don't think I can ever tell anyone. I'm not sure what to do. I have stopped though. I haven't used it in like 2 weeks.
I don't plan on using again. 

I have been smoking cigarettes. My boyfriend doesn't know. Only some of my friends know. 

I am depressed. I am on depression medication. 

My friend passed away in September. I am having a really difficult time with this. She was my go to girl. I went to her for advice, school help, everything. Now she's gone. 

Right now I have been thinking of whether or not I should leave my boyfriend. I do love him but I can't live being uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do. I think I have feelings for someone else. I know we get along great.  He thinks so too. 

I am a mess right now. What the hell do I do? 

This is going to be my safe place. Today I am just going to set it  up and make it look pretty.

Tomorrow I will open up.

Tomorrow will be the day of judgement.

Many secrets.

I need help.

I need to let them out. 

I can't handle this hell anymore.